Can time heals your grief?

This month I commemorate Daddy’s 6th years death anniversary.. geez, When I read the statement, I’m thinking why should we commemorate death anniversary? Why should we make our own self being so mellow? well it doesn’t mean I am a heartless. To be honest, I became so melancholic around this month, especially during 16th and 17th, the exact date of daddy’s death. And during this month, or maybe whenever I miss my daddy, I change my status in BB or, FB or twitter about how I feel and pour my grief.

During the grief, many people will come to encourage and cheer you. Many people will say, “you must be strong”, “your daddy already live in a better place”, “you must let him/her go, so he/she can rest in peace”, “don’t be so mellow lha, at least you will see your father again sometimes in the future” yeah something like that. But I think the feeling of losing someone you love only can be understood by others who have experienced it too. It’s easy to say all the words that I mention above, but to be the subject who must do it, it’s hard. People like to say time will heal you, but is it true? Even it’s already 6 years, the pain still aching. For me the time can’t heal the pain or the grief, but it can help me to cope with it. And I believe it also happen to others.

Just be sure, that God never gives you something that you can’t handle. When He takes some one you love, He has prepared a better plan beyond your grief, and trust Him that He will accompany you through it. Even after years the pain still aching, but you can make it and grow up more.

This post was made just to cheer up myself and others whom feeling sad after losing someone..^^

the 6th CNY without you,dad

Today I feel very mellow, Even though tomorrow is Chinese New Year (CNY). This moment makes me miss my daddy even more. This is the sixth CNY since He’s gone.

I still remember our last CNY at 2005. Two or three weeks before CNY, daddy was hospitalized, and that’s the time when the doctor diagnosed he got small cell carcinoma or we known as lungs cancer. When we found out dad’s disease, it was already late. The cancer was already in last stadium (IV). We didn’t tell daddy about his disease at that time.. He got home after being hospitalized for + 1 week. My father’s siblings asked us to send him to Taiwan, with many struggles we agreed to do it, even we realized maybe we couldn’t see daddy back to Indonesia anymore. We arranged the departure after CNY.

In CNY morning, from what I remembered, daddy would sit down in the living room, waiting for his children “pai nien” with him. But at that year, I woke up late, when I woke up, daddy wasn’t in the living room, I searched for him, and found him went around the house. And like a little kid, I followed him. His stares were different, I can’t describe it, but it makes me sad. The night before the CNY, we have family dinner in daddy’s little brother’s house, because my granny was living there. That night was the first and last time I took daddy’s pict with my phone. Few days after the CNY, we sent daddy to the airport to go to Taiwan. And that was the last time I see him alive.

Since that time I never really anxious wait for CNY, because it reminds me about my dad. Even in fact I still waiting for the “hong bao”….Xp..

Miss you so much dad…I miss your scolding, I miss “chui poy” your back, I miss your overprotective love..TT…I still remember, when nobody support me to chase my dreams, you are the one who told me, “just try!”, you never promise me any reward, but if I achieve something you’ll give me reward silently. Whoaaaaa…How much I miss those time…Love you dad..Saranghaeyo..Chan lak kun…Chan ja kid thoung kun…

Regulation vs Heart

My second aunt who is a Taiwan citizen is having her holiday at Indonesia since 21st March. During her holiday, suddenly her glucose rose up – she has diabetic actually- and she asked to go home as soon as possible. Based on our observation, my second aunt is very weak, and we couldn’t let her go alone; so, we’ve decided to let my third aunt accompany her back to Taipei. And this is the background of the story.

Yesterday I went to Taiwan trade office to make entry permit (Visa) for my third aunt. Actually it was my third time going there in a week. The first time I went there, I didn’t bring enough documents, so I came back again on Monday morning. I already brought enough documents; include the reference letter from my second aunt. The letter explained about my second aunt’s condition and the reason why my third aunt must accompany her. And the woman still refused to accept my aunt’s document. Her reason was I didn’t bring a letter that told her that my second and third aunt were blood related, and I didn’t bring the copy of my aunt’s account. She said, she didn’t care what the reason is, but the documents must complete, because that’s the regulation. It really made me angry. SO on, yesterday I went there again with my aunt – both of them, and my second aunt using wheelchair. When I saw the same woman on the shift, I move backward and let my third aunt took care by herself. She spoke in mandarin with that woman.  Even though that woman finally gave us a chance to took care the entry permit, she still complicated us. She asked for more documents that she didn’t mention at the day before. My aunt who already impatient asked to meet the ambassador – and the woman scared, so she finally took care my aunt’s documents.

The thing that made me really angry was it made my memories from five years ago popped up in my mind. Five years ago that same woman complicated me and my siblings to get the entry permit. Indeed that was our last chance to meet our daddy for the last time. My daddy got small cell carcinoma or we’ve known as lungs cancer. He was treated at Taiwan National Hospital for a month. And when the doctor said, daddy didn’t have enough energy to back to Indonesia; we were urged to go there by daddy’s siblings. When we requested the entry permit, we already gave all the documents she asked. My brother asked it the day before me. He didn’t have a sponsor at that time. She asked that woman to let him pass this time because my daddy was dying. She kept complicated it and didn’t give the permit – geez..Did she have a heart?. Luckily there was someone who heard my brother’s problem and he helped my brother as his sponsor, so my brother got the permit. The day after my sister boss asked his subordinate to took care my sis n my entry permit. We already gave our account copy, even my sis’ company at that time helped us as the sponsor, but that wrecked woman declined our request, and in the end I couldn’t see my daddy.

When that woman declined my aunt’s document at Monday I became emotionally disturbed. Five years ago she already made me couldn’t accompany my dad, and now she put my aunt’s health at a stake. Does she have a heart? Okay I know there are some regulations, but I already completed it. And sometimes, when life is the matter, regulation can be put in the second place right? Geez…she only scared when we insisted to meet the ambassador. I should did it 5 years ago. I really want to pray that she would feel like I felt. The sadness and the regret because I couldn’t be by daddy’s side for the last time. Even years had passed those feelings always in my heart and my mind. I hope she feels that too so she can be more emphatic. I know, spiritually, maybe God used her to forbid us going to Taiwan. Maybe HE knows that I and my sis couldn’t dare to see my dad lied down in the hospital bed with many machines support his life.  But somehow, I still upset and angry to her. Just hope she has a heart to understand others if it’s a matter of life. Hope there won’t be another me who can’t meet his/her beloved one because of ‘her regulation’ thingy. Geez,I’d angry if  I remember her….Life must goes on, and I don’t want my life get screwed by her…need to learn forgive and forget…hope I can do that.

You can let go now, daddy

Just found this song, and it makes me shed my tears..

This song made me miss my daddy so much. It represents the words I’d say to my daddy if I had the chance. Well, actually my daddy didn’t teach me how to ride bike, and he wouldn’t able to send me to the altar like i wish. He already died 5 years ago.

I still remember when He was around. He was an over protective daddy..I was twelfth grade student but He treated me like I were 10 years old. I went hanging out with my friends at 1PM, but at 4 PM, he already looking for me, called me and ask me to go home. At that time I was angry to him, and yelled that I’m not a little girl anymore. But right now I really miss those time..I miss you dad, so much.

Five years ago, I couldn’t accompany you, only said goodbye through phone and told you that you don’t need to worry about me, I don’t even know whether you can hear it until now. This song represents everything I’d like to say, dad.

You can let go now, Daddy
You can let go
Your little girl is ready
To do this on my own
It’s gonna be a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be ok now, Daddy
You can let go
You can let go

Yes, daddy you don’t need to worry, you can let go. Your little girl is already grown up. Even it scarry or hard, I know I’ll be ok, coz you already taught me how to face it..I love you dad, more than I can say. I promise that I’ll be someone that can make you proud; I’ll stick this family together again. You don’t need to be worry dad, I promise you..^^

d taste of my family

(repost from my other blog -081007)

Well..Mw sharing ttg khotbah hr minggu kmrn..Berhubung lg bulan keluarga yah jd-ny bahas something berhub dgn kluarga..Intinya c ttg khotbah kmrn, kluarga yg qta punya mgkn bknlah keluarga yg sempurna tp keluarga yg terbaik dr Tuhan untuk qta..Huehe..I really thank God bcoz HE has given me these family..Emang c kluarga ini jauh dr sempurna,yg namany ribut,jutek2an sering bgt terjadi,ngambek,or dgr mami2 mrh2 luar biasa srg,tp sungguh2 sdr kl kluarga ini ngajarin byk hal dlm hdp n ngebentuk g jd pribadi yg spt saat ini..N yg trutama jg krn kluarga ini jg-lah bs kenal DADDY yg awesome bgt..Bangga ma papa even bukan org pcy dulu,tp tetep dkg smua pelayanan yg cic,ko2,n g lakukan..Bnr2 pas dgr khotbah itu bersyukur bgt..Huehe…Dlm setiap hal toe Allah sungguh bekerja mendatangkan kebaikan bwt qta..Tmsk dlm mlh keluarga bwt qta..Roma 8:28..

Satu hal lg yg diajarin dr khotbah itu mengenai Yusuf dalam kehidupan keluarganya.Yah khdpn kluarga Yusuf bs diblg ga sempurna,lhr dr seorang ayah yang suka menipu dan ibu yg pernah mencuri,kakak2 yg licik dan pernah membunuh bahkan menjual dy…Tp Yusuf ga bertumbuh mjd seperti kluarganya,tp dy berusaha menjadi terang dlm kluarganya..Nah tp srg x qta menyalahkan kluarga atas ap yg tjd am qta skrg..Misalny aj dl g sempet marah ma ortu gr2 ga jd msk SMAK 3,g jd mls bljr n ktk prestasi merosot g sempet nyalahin mrk,well..pdhl silly bgt gtoe lho..Org masa dpn qta ad di tgn qta ndiri n mjd tg jwb qta k TUHAN..Kl misal bersikap spt g dulu kan yg rugi diri sendiri n malu sama TUHAN n ortu..Trus kl misal qt lhr di kluarga yg broken home,n then qta jd ank bandel lalu nyalahin ortu qta yg ga harmonis, or qt punya org tua yg suka menipu,so qta bs ikt2an menipu n pas ditangkep blg ortu saya aj tkg tepu?Well..Memang c lingkungan mempengaruhi qta jd ky ap..Tapi ap krn orang tua atau kluarga qt ga rebes qta mw hancurin masa dpn qta n ngecewain Tuhan yg ud bgt baik ma qta??Lwt khotbah itu diajak u/ meneladani hdp Yusuf yg tdk menyalahkan keadaan tapi berusaha untuk mengubah sgl kekurangan dlm kluargany melalui diri sendiri terlebih dulu..Wawawawa..luar biasa y..Stand up,guyz n galz!!!Jgn mw dipermainkan keadaan dunia!!!Bangkitlah jd terang dimulai dr kluargamu sendiri even lingkungan srg x ga mendukung,but DADDY will accompany n lead u..Masa dpn ada di tangan qta jgn sampai hancur krn qta trs menyalahkan org lain shg tdk mlht rancangan indah yg ud TUHAN siapkan..Bangkit laskar Kristus!!!Do ur best shg qta dan slrh kluarga qt bs bersama2 kenal n bertumbuh dlm TUHAN..Hv a nice day!!Gb

The wonder of DAD..Happy Father’s day

Keajaiban Seorang Ayah

Ayah ingin anak-anaknya punya lebih banyak kesempatan daripada
dirinya, menghadapi lebih sedikit kesulitan, lebih tidak tergantung
pada siapapun
dan (tapi) selalu membutuhkan kehadirannya.

Ayah hanya menyuruhmu mengerjakan pekerjaan yang kamu sukai.
Ayah membiarkan kamu menang dalam permainan ketika kamu masih
kecil,tapi dia tidak ingin kamu membiarkannya menang ketika kamu sudah
besar.

Ayah tidak ada di album foto keluarga, karena dia yang selalu
memotret.Ayah selalu tepat janji!
Dia akan memegang janjinya untuk membantu seorang teman, meskipun
ajakanmu untuk pergi memancing sebenarnya lebih menyenangkan.
Ayah akan tetap memasang kereta api listrik mainanmu selama
bertahun-tahun, meskipun kamu telah bosan, karena ia tetap ingin
kamu main kereta api itu.

Ayah selalu sedikit sedih ketika melihat anak-anaknya pergi bermain
dengan teman-teman mereka.karena dia sadar itu adalah akhir masa
kecil mereka.

Ayah mulai merencanakan hidupmu ketika tahu bahwa ibumu hamil
(mengandungmu) , tapi begitu kamu lahir, ia mulai membuat revisi.
Ayah membantu membuat impianmu jadi kenyataan bahkan diapun bisa
meyakinkanmu untuk melakukan hal-hal yang mustahil, seperti
mengapung di atas air setelah ia melepaskanya.

Ayah mungkin tidak tahu jawaban segala sesuatu, tapi ia membantu kamu
mencarinya.
Ayah mungkin tampak galak di matamu, tetapi di mata teman-temanmu
dia tampak lucu dan menyayangi.
Ayah sulit menghadapi rambutnya yang mulai menipis….jadi dia
menyalahkan tukang cukurnya menggunting terlalu banyak di puncak
kepala

Ayah akan selalu memelihara janggut lebatnya, meski telah memutih,
agar kau bisa “melihat” para malaikat bergelantungan di sana dan agar
kau selalu bisa mengenalinya.
Ayah selalu senang membantumu menyelesaikan PR, kecuali PR
matematika terbaru.

Ayah lambat mendapat teman, tapi dia bersahabat seumur hidup Ayah
benar-benar senang membantu seseorang… tapi ia sukar meminta bantuan.
Ayah terlalu lama menunda untuk membawa mobil ke bengkel, karena ia
merasa dapat memperbaiki sendiri segalanya.

Ayah di dapur. Membuat memasak seperti penjelajahan ilmiah.
Dia punya rumus-rumus dan formula racikannya sendiri, dan hanya dia
sendiri yang mengerti bagaimana menyelesaikan persamaan-persamaan
rumit itu. Dan hasilnya?… .mmmmhhh…” tidak terlalu mengecewakan”

Ayah akan sesumbar, bahwa dirinyalah satu- satunya dalam keluarga yang
dapat memasak tumis kangkung rasa barbecue grill.
Ayah mungkin tidak pernah menyentuh sapu ketika
masih muda, tapi ia bisa belajar dengan cepat.

Ayah sangat senang kalau seluruh keluarga berkumpul untuk makan
malam…walaupun harus makan dalam remangnya lilin karena lampu mati.
Ayah paling tahu bagaimana mendorong ayunan cukup tinggi untuk
membuatmu senang tapi tidak takut.

Ayah akan memberimu tempat duduk terbaik dengan mengangkatmu
dibahunya, ketika pawai lewat. Ayah tidak akan memanjakanmu ketika
kamu sakit, tapi ia tidak akan tidur semalaman. Siapa tahu kamu
membutuhkannya.

Ayah menganggap orang itu harus berdiri sendiri, jadi dia tidak mau
memberitahumu apa yang harus kamu lakukan, tapi ia akan menyatakan
rasa tidak setujunya.
Ayah percaya orang harus tepat waktu. karena itu dia selalu lebih awal
menunggumu di depan rumah dengan sepeda tuanya, untuk mengantarkanmu
dihari pertama masuk sekolah.

AYAH ITU MURAH HATI…..
Ia akan melupakan apa yang ia inginkan, agar bisa memberikan apa
yang kamu butuhkan….
Ia membiarkan orang-orangan sawahmu memakai sweater kesayangannya.
Ia membelikanmu lollipop merk baru yang kamu inginkan, dan ia akan
menghabiskannya kalau kamu tidak suka…..
Ia menghentikan apasaja yang sedang dikerjakannya, kalau kamu ingin bicara..

Ia selalu berfikir dan bekerja keras untuk membayar spp mu tiap
semester, meskipun kamu tidak pernah membantunya menghitung berapa
banyak kerutan di dahinya….
Bahkan dia akan senang hati mendengarkan nasehatmu untuk
menghentikan kebiasaan merokoknya.. ..

Ayah mengangkat beban berat dari bahumu
dengan merengkuhkan tangannya disekeliling beban itu….

Ayah akan berkata ,, tanyakan saja pada ibumu” Ketika ia ingin berkata
,,tidak”
Ayah tidak pernah marah, tetapi mukanya akan sangat merah padam
ketika anak gadisnya menginap di rumah teman tanpa izin Dan diapun hampir
tidak pernah marah, kecuali ketika anak lelakinya kepergok
menghisap rokok dikamar mandi.
Ayah mengatakan ,, tidak apa-apa mengambil sedikit resiko asal kamu
sanggup kehilangan apa yang kamu harapkan”

Pujian terbaik bagi seorang ayah adalah ketika dia melihatmu
melakukan sesuatu persis seperti caranya….
Ayah lebih bangga pada prestasimu, daripada prestasinya sendiri….
Ayah hanya akan menyalamimu ketika pertama kali kamu pergi merantau
meningalkan rumah, karena kalau dia sampai memeluk mungkin ia tidak
akan pernah bisa melepaskannya.

Ayah mengira seratus adalah tip.. Seribu adalah uang saku..
Gaji pertamamu terlalu besar untuknya… Ayah tidak suka meneteskan
air mata … ketika kamu lahir dan dia mendengar kamu menangis
untuk pertama kalinya,dia sangat senang sampai-sampai keluar air dari
matanya (ssst..tapi sekali lagi ini bukan menangis)

Ketika kamu masih kecil, ia bisa memelukmu untuk mengusir rasa
takutmu…ketika kau mimpi akan dibunuh monster…
tapi…..ternyata dia
bisa menangis dan tidak bisa tidur sepanjang malam, ketika anak
gadis kesayangannya di rantau tak memberi kabar selama hampir satu bulan.

Kalau tidak salah ayah pernah berkata :” kalau kau ingin
mendapatkan pedang yang tajam dan berkwalitas tinggi, janganlah mencarinya
dipasar

apalagi tukang loak, tapi datang dan pesanlah langsung dari pandai
besinya. Begitupun dengan cinta dan teman dalam hidupmu,jika kau
ingin mendapatkan cinta sejatimu kelak, maka minta dan pesanlah pada Yang
Menciptakannya”

Untuk masadepan anak lelakinya Ayah
berpesan:,,jadilah lebih kuat dan
tegar daripadaku, pilihlah ibu untuk anak-anakmu kelak wanita yang
lebih baik dari ibumu, berikan yang lebih baik untuk menantu dan
cucu-cucuku, daripada apa yang telah ku beri padamu”

Dan Untuk masa depan anak gadisnya ayah berpesan :”
jangan cengeng meski
kau seorang wanita, jadilah selalu bidadari kecilku dan bidadari
terbaik untuk ayah anak-anakmu kelak! laki-laki yang lebih bisa
melindungimu melebihi perlindungan Ayah, tapi jangan pernah kau
gantikan posisi Ayah di hatimu”

Ayah bersikeras,bahwa anak-anakmu kelak harus bersikap lebih baik
daripada kamu dulu….
Ayah bisa membuatmu percaya diri… karena ia percaya padamu…
Ayah tidak mencoba menjadi yang terbaik, tapi dia hanya mencoba
melakukan yang terbaik…. Dan terpenting adalah…
Ayah tidak pernah menghalangimu untuk mencintai
Tuhan, bahkan dia akan membentangkan seribu jalan agar kau dapat
menggapai cintaNya, karena diapun mencintaimu karena cintaNya.

Ternyata ayah itu benar-benar MENAKJUBKAN.
Sayangilah Ayahmu juga Ibumu.

“The Wonder Of Dad”.

Wawawa..Jd sedh pas baca…Lgs ngejer…Papa spt yg dideskripsiin di atas..Slalu berjuang bwt anak2ny,skalipun sakit,stress,or gundah ga pernah nunjukkin dpn ank2ny..Ktk mulai gd,srg sebel ma papa,tp sdr smua yg papa lakuin bwt kebaikan diri g jg…berjuang spy g bs msk skul n kul yg bagus..ga pernah underestimate anakny..Dari papa jg belajar u/ ngebantu org sebisany tanpa mengeluh dan musti tulus kata papa..Dari papa juga nekenin untuk sll hargain saudara2 evenkdg mrk nyakitin qt..Wawawa..byk banget d yg papa ajarin,skalipun papa bukan org percaya tp dy tetep ngedukung ank2ny u/ pelayanan,bahkan nilai2 yg diajarin pun luar biasa..Wawawa..kangen bgt deh ma papa..sayangnya belum sempet u/ balas budi bwt papa..mg2 dv bs jd ank yg bikin papa bangga..Luv ya so much dad…